This post is not about the movie, well, citing some of the scenes/lines. Last Wednesday night I was watching this and I can say that this has ME written all over it (sort of) and that there’s been a huge amount of coincidences with my time-off from the world to this movie.
The movie is about a kid, named Craig, who is clinically depressed teenager and gets a new start after he checks himself into an adult psychiatric ward for 5 days. Craig is introduced to Bobby, an adult patient who claims he is only there on vacation as he takes Craig under his wing.
Not really, but last Monday, with my overly sensitive, chaotic and stressed mind, I decided to have some time off — to the social media world that is (SMS, BBM, Twitter, Facebook). I didn’t talk to anyone except for my family whenever I go home from work, and of course my officemates which I have no choice but to talk with me.
So I’m having this “emo days” again as some people would like to call it, but I’m calling it — “my guarded days”. Seriously, I just wanted to be alone to think freely. I like being alone, especially whenever I feel like the world is on my shoulder. I got family issue, home issue, work issue, and yea, relationship issue(like I even have one). And just like Craig in the movie, he’s got so many things going on his mind that he felt like he’s about to lose it. Like him, I’m on the verge of just blowing up, all the stress, the pressure and the anxiety just bubbling up, but I’m never able to let it out and most of the time just keep it inside.
Tuesday morning, my second day of having no contact to the social media world. Felt like I was about to give up, I need my social feeds for Christ’s Sake! But then, the thought of “I NEED to do this for myself” came up and with the help of this, I’ll be able to to know my worth to the people I love the most.
‘Cause love’s such an old fashioned word and love dares you to care for. The people on the edge of the light and love dares you to change our way of CARING ABOUT OURSELVES. - Under Pressure
Wednesday morning, I received a phone call in one of our service phones (that I used during my stay in Cebu) and to my surprise, it was Yuan, Ranzel’s officemate and told me that everyone’s getting worried especially Ranzel and she’s been crying and thinking what could have happened to me.
I know, I know. My idea wasn’t the brightest, I know people will be looking out for me and since Ranz knows my “issues” all along, I know I wasn’t thinking straight to do such thing, but please spare me, suicide will be the last thing on my mind. I really just wanted to have a time off from everything, if I could, I could have gone somewhere else just to be alone! This is something very therapeutic for me and I’m sorry for those people whom I worried so much and I love you for that. ❤
But you know sometimes, when I fall, I fall hard — I hit rock bottom and just make impulsive decisions which then led to this time off. Not to run away from my problems, but to just think freely and just be carefree, because these are the times when sorrow seems to overpower, or self-pity has you in clutches.
Sometimes I wish I had an easy answer for why I’m depressed like my father beat me, or I was sexually abused — but my problems are less dramatic than that.
Bobby: You should ask her out.
Craig: I like her. But I’d be too nervous to ask her out.
Bobby: What are you nervous about?
Bobby: You cant live your life in fear. You’re gonna end up like Muqtada or worse, me.
Just like Craig, I am afraid of rejection too. I always say this, that I am really afraid of being rejected. Not just in love, but everything else. I don’t like the feeling of rejection, that’s why more often than not, I tend to stray away.
So now I got you thinking, am I okay after a few days? No. But as Craig said, the difference between today and last Monday is that for the first time in a while, I can look forward to the things I want to do in my life. Eat. Sleep. Work. Get my payslip. Eat. Travel. Drink. Travel again. Work again. Bring my siblings to some fancy place. Get money from dad. Make out with someone. See a movie with family. See a movie with friends. Make out again. Have a party. Tell everyone my story. Breathe. LIVE.